We’ve recently learned of death threats against our potential opponent, Mickey Mouse. Please continue reading for our denouncement of this deplorable abuse.

Mickey has not yet announced whether he intends to run in 2012. He has however been a write-in candidate in every election since… er, forever.  We would, of course, welcome Mickey as an opponent; we hope for his safety and wish him all the best in accomplishing his true will.

Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid, however, has said that “… Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases.” Apparently, Mickey’s been accused of being an agent of Satan. We thoroughly and unequivocally denounce this violent threat to our opponent.

As we have said before, a vote for Mickey is meaningless, expressing mere dissatisfaction, and failing to send a positive message—a message about what Americans and all people truly want: freedom. Even so, we would never wish him any harm. We are confident that voter support for our candidate will prevail, so we do encourage Mickey to consider his safety in any decision about whether to run.

As for the complaint about Mickey being an agent of Satan, perhaps this is an idea to which Kenneth Anger alludes in his piece, “Mouse Heaven” … or perhaps not. But wow, after watching the film at that link, Mickey is kinda creepy.

Which candidate can claim to be “most Satanic” is an important question, sure to be on the minds of many of our constituents. We are confident in Aleister Crowley on this matter. Though some would object and say Crowley is more Promethean or Luciferian, really more Solar-Phallic than Satanic, we’re still confident that Mickey’s never referred to himself as the Great Beast of Revelations. What more do you need for a litmus test on this issue?

The third and final part in the same-sex marriage series is coming real soon! Why? Because we like you!